If someone offers you candy what does that communicate? In other words, what is the meaning of the communication? Are they hoping to delight you? Or ruin your diet? Or worse yet, could they be trying to poison you? For both the person offering the candy and the person being offered the candy, many meanings possible may exist. Many people have the experience - that a loved one just won't communicate. But the fact is that there is no way we can NOT communicate. The person is experiencing that he/she is not getting the kind of communication he/she would like, or perhaps does not understand the meaning of the communication. Silence, for example, may be infused with warmth, or dripping wtith resentment. Important research (John Gottman) shows that a 98% sure predictor of the death of a relationship is the constant expression of contempt (moral superiority) towards the other. So, coming to understand the meaning of the communication is the real issue. To understand the meaning, several things need to be understood - and they are not easy. For example: - The states of mind of each person: (i.e., I was exhausted, and I had hoped you would offer to bathe the kids." & "I have great news and I can't wait to tell you. I don't want this special night to be ruined by your grumpieness.")
- The history of each person :(i.e.,Yelling: in one person's family of origin yelling may have happened when shaming, blaming or even physical hitting took place. In the other person's family, yelling may have occurred with high intensity joy and friendly challenges. So yelling feels entirely different to each person.)
- The environment: What has happened in the relationship lately, and where are they physically
While many of us wish that our loved ones would just understand us and our needs without our our having to explain ourselves, to actually expect that they will understand without our efforts will lead us to misery. In extensive communication studies done at UCLA, it was discovered that even when the speakers were trained professional communicators, clear about their intentions, only 7% of their communications were clearly understood. So we need to learn how to be understood; it does not "come naturally." The word "communication" derives from "com," meaning "with" and "mun," meaning world; so communication means sharing one's inner world, expressing one's meanings. The link below gives you a page with an outline of a kind of dialogue which is at first extremely unnatural, but leads to deep understanding. |
