Recovery for Adult Child of Alcoholics,
Also called "ACA's" and/or "ACOA's" |
 |
| Recovery Brings The Ability To Have Fun! |
|
|
What Is An "Adult Child Of An Alcoholic"?
A Brief History Of The Term 'Adult Child Of An Alcoholic'
"Adult Child" carries a double meaning: the Adult who is trapped in the fears and reactions of a Child, and the Child who was forced to be an Adult without going through the natural stages that would result in a healthy Adult.
In 1969, Canadian therapist Margaret Cork offered the first modern study on the children of alcoholic families in "THE FORGOTTEN CHILDREN." In New York City in 1977, a small group of Al-Anon members discovered they were all the children of alcoholics. They started the first "Children of Alcoholics" meeting.
In the late 1970s, a New Jersey based therapist began working with a group consisting of adults who had been raised in alcoholic homes. The result of this group was the ground-breaking 1982 book "ADULT CHILDREN OF ALCOHOLICS" by Janet Geringer-Woititz. In her book, Dr. Woititz describes the basic characteristics of an Adult Child of Alcoholics. Her list consisted of observations of the group of ACAs she facilitated. Her "List of Characteristics" and the "Laundry List," used in the New York COA meetings,
found their way to other parts of the country to be modified and eventually
emerge at the 1984 ACA CSB/IWSO Business Conference as "The Problem."
|
|
Characteristics Of Adult Children Of Alcoholics
Also Sometimes called "Co-dependents"
The following are some of the characteristics that result in diminished happiness, creativity, and self realization
1. We became isolated and afraid of people and authority figures;
2. We became approval seekers and lost our identity in the process;
3. We are frightened by angry people and any personal criticism;
4. We become alcoholics, marry them, or both, or find another compulsive personality such as a workaholic to fulfill our expectations of abandonment & inattention
5. We live life from the viewpoint of victims ;
6. We have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility and it is easier for us to be concerned with others rather than ourselves. This enables us not to look too closely at our faults, etc.
7. We get guilt feelings when we stand up for ourselves instead of
giving in to others;
8. We may became addicted to excitement;
9. We confuse love and pity and tend to "love" people we can "pity" and "rescue";
10. We have stuffed our feelings from our traumatic childhoods and have lost the ability to feel or express our feelings because it hurts so much; (DENIAL)
11. We judge ourselves harshly and have a very low sense of self-esteem;
12. We are dependent personalities who are terrified of abandonment and will do anything to hold on to a relationship in order not to experience painful abandonment feelings which would repeat feelings of our childhoods with preoccupied people who were unable to be there emotionally for us;
13. Alcoholism is a family disease and we became para-alcoholics and took on the characteristics of that disease even though we may not have picked up the drinking escape;
14. ACA's, codependents, ACOA's are reactors rather than actors.
|
|
The Recovery Process: The Solution
The “problem” for Adult Children of Alcoholics, (also called ‘Codependents’) is not what has already happened – or not happened - in the PAST. But what is NOW going on internally – or not going on internally –all day long. The “solution” is to change the internal experience. And the external behaviors. Working on the behaviors reinforces the change of internal experience. And working on the internal states & feelings can help change the behaviors. The process of recovery is not a passive experience. This can be difficult for ACA’s because part of the “problem” characteristics of ACA’s is to see oneself usually as a passive a victim. However, something about ourselves must change if “life” is to change.
Some of the steps of the on-going, long term, and often lifelong work, include:
- Learning to recognize and articulate feelings – and honor their purposes
- Become skilled at communicating those feelings in an respectful way that enhances both us & other people
- Learning to identify the meanings (interpretations) we have made of our experience & the meanings (interpretations) of what others feel, believe & do
- Coming to understand our sensitivity to various emotional themes that echo our childhoods
- Becoming familiar with the sabotaging internal talk of our inner critic
- Learning how the internal self-talk functions
- Appreciating that the inner critic is not us, that we are separate and can chose our preferences, beliefs, actions – and that we not only have that right, but that obligation to our selves
- Cherishing our Real Self, and responding in an authentic manner in the face of the internal critic’s attempt to control and limit us
- Making a deep commitment to our own wellbeing. Seeing that it’s our turn NOW to choose the life we want and the self we want to be
- Learning to set boundaries
- Developing self empathy
- Learning new healthy ways to comfort ourselves when we have “unpleasant” feelings
- Growing a new, healthy identity
- Forming new friendships which reinforce new self concepts
- Possibly changing careers or adding new hobbies and interests
- Reaping the rewards of your hard work and feeling grateful for how your life has changed and who you know yourself to be NOW
|
|
